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Welcome to the Official Directory of Discernment Counselors

More than 1435 professionals have been through our training. Our directory features only the most engaged, ready-to-serve Discernment Counselors.

Discernment Counseling is not suited for these situations:

When one spouse has already made a final decision to divorce
When one spouse is coercing the other to participate
When there is danger of domestic violence

If you or your spouse are considering divorce but not completely sure about it, Discernment Counseling is designed for you. It’s a chance to slowdown, take a breath, learn about what’s happened to your marriage, and look at your options for your marriage.

Discernment Counseling helps couples where one person is “leaning out” of the relationship and the other is "leaning in”—that is, interested in rebuilding the marriage.

The goal is not to solve your marital problems but to see if they are solvable. You will each be treated with compassion and respect no matter how you are feeling about your marriage at the moment. No bad guys and good guys.

Our directory shows you independent providers near you.

I am leaning out of my marriage

Find a Discernment Counselor

I am leaning in to my marriage

Is Discernment Counseling Right for me?

If you’re not married, you may still be eligible for Discernment Counseling. Take the assessment below to see if your relationship is a good fit.

Are you legally married?

Yes

Do you think that both of you would answer “yes” to a question about whether you have been in a permanent, committed, lifelong relationship?

Yes

Discernment Counseling is designed for two people who have planned their lives together, legally or verbally, and were permanently committed, and now one person is uncertain about the continuing commitment and ambivalent about trying couples therapy. In this service, the other partner really wants to save the relationship. If you did not have a permanent commitment, your next step would not likely be Discernment Counseling but rather individual therapy for the person wanting to save the relationship to better understand their personal contributions and see if they can make changes that may improve the relationship. You’re not likely a strong candidate for Discernment Counseling.

You can both articulate reasons you didn’t get married even though you both saw yourselves together forever.

Yes

It may be that you’ve been together for a long time but have lacked mutual commitment for a lifetime. If so, you’re not a good candidate for Discernment Counseling, which assumes that there was once a permanent commitment. The person eager to save the relationship may wish to pursue individual therapy to see how their personal contributions have made the other partner lean out, and to work on oneself, in the hopes it would turn the other partner around.

Do you have children together (or see yourself as a stepparent to your partner's children?)

Yes

Living your lives as co-parents is a big form of commitment and this may be a reason to pursue Discernment Counseling (as long as one of you is leaning in to save the relationship and can bring energy and hope to the work.)

If by this point in the survey if there is not a lifelong commitment, no “story” as to why there hasn’t been commitment, and no children involved, Discernment Counseling may very likely not work well.

For at least one of you, is there surprise or shock that the relationship is on the brink (versus you have openly talked for years about a breakup?)

Yes

It may be that one of you was committed permanently and thought the other was. If so, it would be good to have a serious conversation about whether both of you have assumed a life long commitment.

If in combination with other questions about commitment, neither of you was surprised that the other is considering leaving, it’s a sign that Discernment Counseling is not a good fit. Individual therapy can be very helpful to get a third-party perspective on your role and your choices now to change the fate of the relationship.

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