Your marriage was plugging along until recently.
Then came a conversation that changed everything.
You learned that your spouse is seriously considering divorcing you.
Your world has darkened. What’s going on and how do you salvage what you considered a good-enough marriage?
We’ve invented a term for your situation: a leaning-in spouse. And your spouse is leaning out.
Unfortunately our world is mostly filled with advice for the leaning-out spouse, not for the ones who don’t want a divorce!
Statistically, more leaning-in spouses are men, but if you’re a woman, it’s no less panic-inducing. The reason there are more leaning-in husbands is that 2/3rd of divorces are initiated by wives.
You are likely having some or ALL of the following emotions. You know that many of them aren’t helping the situation but you can’t shake them and they’re pulling you in different directions.
Common feelings for a "leaning in" spouse:
So we suggest something radical: starting not with expressing your own feelings but with trying to understand what might be going on with your spouse.
Here's what we know from research and clinical practice about what your spouse might be experiencing:
Okay, once you are focusing on where your spouse is coming from, there’s one other perspective we can offer you here.
(We can offer you a lot more beyond blog posts.) It’s some perspective on phases of the awful process you’re in.
In Person Help
Discernment Counseling is a specialized form of couples counseling designed for marriages where one spouse is leaning out of the marriage (and not sure about whether to work to save it), and the other spouse is leaning in. It’s a brief form of counseling that leads to a decision either to do serious marriage counseling, with divorce off the table, or to move towards divorce. We have trained Discernment Counselors around the country.
If your spouse is leaning towards a divorce that you don't want, you're like a stranger in a strange land.
We know it’s terribly hard.
And we know that it’s up to you to provide leadership now to save your marriage, despite how upset you are.
It’s time to bring your best self forward.